Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Shallow, At Best

"You cannot escape your destiny." - Darth Vader

Today I found another birding related blog (yes.....there is apparently more than one) that claimed it existed "To show the world that you can be a birder without being a geek." I can sympathize with this statement, but......

This is wrong.

Birding is one of the nerdiest activities invented since the word "activities" was invented. It doesnt get much worse unless you spend your free time solving complicated math equations or locked in a dark basement playing D&D, or some other soul-killing bullshit. If you think you can be involved with this with any air of cool, youre wrong. Birdwatching is about as chic as snorting rock salt. I dont care if youre looking at albatross of the deck of a fucking aircraft carrier, it is what it is.

I am not about to launch into some massive screed about the dozens off ways in which birders publicly embarass, it is simply too much. I will say this however........if you have any stereotypes and preconceived notions about birdwatchers.......I can tell you now, they are all true.

Very are rarely stereotypes 100% accurate.....but I will address a few basic ones, for your edification.

1) Birders are old as hell: True. Plain and simple.

2) Birds have ridiculous names that make people who talk about them sound like idiots: True. "OOOH! Look! A Yellow-bellied Sapscuker! Its on that maple tree below the Great-crested Flycatcher!".

3) Birders dress funny: Good god yes. Khaki, vests, floppy hats, pockets all over the place, weird accessories you cannot even begin to imagine.

4) Birdwatchers are straight-laced, law-abiding people: Yes. My grandmother is a birdwatcher, and I like it that way.

5) Birders are NERDS: Push those glasses up your nose, most birdwatchers I know have crippling pyschological and social problems and cannot keep up with mainstream society. They occasionally attempt some pretense of normalcy but this layer is usually shallow, at best.

What the author of the other blog fails to realize is that she must embrace her embarassing way of life. Do not fight it, for you will fail. I have come to be at peace with my odd habits. Its ok. I am a RAGING NERD, but that is not a problem. I think thats why women are attracted to me, which works out fine for everyone. A woman who would rather show flank to some walking toolshed bro is not the woman for me.

Admittedly, I have been accused of being "cool" and even "an intimidating hipster", but these characterizations are false. Thats like calling a Ruby-throated Hummingbird a Lucifer's Hummingbird. It is a gross misidentification. That doesnt mean thats its not way more fun than marathon sessions on the playstation, eating veal, listening to Avenged Sevenfold, getting way too stoned and watching some terrible movie from the eighties while gobbling your roommate's MilkDuds, or even masturbating. Because it is. Its acutally way more fun than doing all those things at once, even if you think any of those things are a good idea*.

Its just a little embarassing, thats all.

*That last activity is not actually a bad idea.


  1. Dude. I think that birding IS cool. I mean, when you're sucking down that handle of Jimmy B, and ten minutes later you're looking into the deep hellfire red gorget of the lucifer hummingbird and spewing out that spit from the fat lipper of skoal mint that's crammed up in your shit, you just feel so fucking DRE! Birding is sick and cool if you do it right.

  2. Being in denial is very popular these days.