The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: Plotting a Chase

Hello, mouthbreathing nerds. What is the good word? I thought I would take a respite from Mexico posts for some much needed bullshitting...time to dust off The Human Birdwatcher Project, where birders are people too!  Allegedly. There is a cornucopia of topics to touch on today...we could talk about the new round of AOU proposals, the Malheur Incident, El Nino...nah, lets just stick to rare birds.

I've just returned from a very weak morning of birding some of my favored local spots...and once again, I am left wondering why I favor them at all. Bird of the day, in terms of rarity, was a Eurasian X American Wigeon hybrid....a truly underwhelming bird. The actual bird of the day was a Turkey Vulture flying around with an enormous dead rat, which really sums up the quality of birding I experienced this morning. Some birders say that any day of birding is a good day...but they are wrong. They are lying to you. There is such a thing as poor birding, and I've experienced it hundreds of times. This is to be expected. Unless you are out chasing rarities every single time you go birding (gross), you are not going to see rare/interesting/satisfying birds all the time.  So, about those rarities...

For California birders, the big question this winter seems to be "where are the megas?". Where are the rarities that make your heart skip a beat when you hear about them?  There just hasn't been a lot to write home about for the California bird junkie...nothing newish anyways.  A Yellow-billed Loon was a one-day-wonder in San Francisco, a handful of Slaty-backed Gulls are in bay area counties (this is normal), the LeConte's Sparrow at Abbotts Lagoon is wintering again, the Field Sparrow is still taunting me from Ojai, and let us not forget that the fucking gannet is still lurking around...which probably excites no one but me.  The one glaring exception to all these great-but-not-groundbreaking birds is the Great Gray Owl in Humboldt County. Humboldt County! Hey, I really like birding there! I used to live there! That would be a county bird...oh wait, that is one of the most sought-after species on the fucking continent, and I've never seen one!

For those of you out of state, you might be surprised to learn that California actually has a not insignificant population of Great Gray Owls that occupy the Sierras and points north...so while this individual is a vagrant of sorts, it's not exactly on par with one showing up in someplace like Texas. However, those Sierra birds are extremely hit or miss. Some people are lucky enough to blunder into them, other folks just dip on them for years and years. Most birders have to log a lot of time in Yosemite to get Great Gray in California, especially now that the famed Wawona birds aren't a good shot anymore (I believe one of them was hit by a car), although they are still in the area. So I have no doubt that there are a number of Great Gray Owls that are actually closer to me than the Humboldt bird. What is so intriguing about the Humboldt bird (aside from that Great Grays do not show up as vagrants anywhere in the state, except for when one showed up at exactly this spot over 30 years ago!) is that NO ONE DIPS ON IT. If there was ever a particular Great Gray to look for in the state, it is this very reliable bird.

And so here I am, for approximately the 16,000th time, trying to time when I should attempt to see this bird. I will chase the shit out of a rare bird, as you know, but goddamn...I am not a big fan of driving hours and hours, just to turn around and waste my time driving more and more hours. That said, I don't want to be stupid about this...a few years ago I decided not to look for a relatively reliable Gyrfalcon (life bird) and King Eider (state bird) that were wintering in Humboldt, because I didn't have much money at the time (a poor reason) and because...because I was stupid (the main reason). I do not want to be stupid again. Going up for the Little Bunting was very intelligent, and seeing the Common Scoter was an even better decision. There are several factors working against me though when it comes to this bird:

1. I have a job. This seriously gets in the way of birding. If you want to become a better birder, quit working. I'm not joking.

2. I have friends. Unlike many birders, I have friends that I want to see when I go up Arcata way, so just blitzing up the coast for a two day chase (with 11-12 hours spent driving) is not my idea of a good time. Ideally, I have time to bird and rage. That requires more than a two day weekend, which needs to be planned out with some advance notice (see #1).

3. It could leave. Birds disappear all the time, for all manner of reasons. Why do you think I've never seen an Ivory Gull? If birds did not leave, birding would be really easy...alas, birding is hard.

4. Great Gray Owls breed. Great Gray Owls, like most life forms, want to breed. In Oregon and California, where this bird presumably was born, Great Grays lay eggs in March. That means this bird may soon want to wander to a place that has a member of the opposite sex around.

5. It could fucking die. It spends a good chunk of time next to Highway 101 and another paved road. Great Gray Owls love to get hit by cars. The last one in Humboldt County, at the same place, met its fate in the form of a hurtling logging truck. The irony of this has not been lost on anyone...anyways, it could die before I get there.

6. A photographer could kill it. Aside from this species' proclivity for getting bashed by vehicles, this bird also is getting a lot of attention from birders and photographers. It does not require a stretch of the imagination to envision someone with a camera (monstrous lens or smartphone) getting too close and flushing the bird into the grill of a speeding truck. Luckily, the bird has been seen by so many people now that the crazed crowds are diminishing.

7. Brambring. Brambring happened just about a year ago, which is a bad omen. I do not want to repeat that again. Attempting a chase on the anniversary of Brambring, to the same county as Brambring, has ominous overtones at best.

Who knows how things will unfold? The Answer will come along soon...but I caution all of you that I may not be able to withstand another Brambring incident. Another Brambring could break me. Keep in mind that I haven't even told you the full story of what happened that fateful weekend, in order to protect certain associates as well as myself. I was in a state of extreme physical and mental duress...and although I battled through it, it was all a fruitless endeavor in the end. To do it all over again, with a bird that hits 10/10 on the majestic scale, would impact me in ways I cannot begin to fathom.

Thinking about this owl, specifically thinking about driving up there and not seeing it, instantly strikes me with The Fear...this is what causes people to not chase birds...but I may have to take the gamble anyways. After all, as The Great Ornithologist Felonious Jive always says, it is better to be Wrong than it is to be Stupid.

Photos of the bird that is driving me crazy courtesy of Rob Fowler, a Humboldt County birding wizard. 

Of Duff Diving, Nerd Networking and Junco Basking: HBP Brings You Christian Schwarz.

Today, the Human Birdwatcher Project ("birders are people too!") brings the birding scene that rare touch of humanity that only few of us will ever achieve. For this installment of our legendary interview series, we speak with Christian Schwarz, a truly multi-dimensional birder who can be found leading both pelagic trips and mushroom walks.  His upcoming book is expected to shake the west coast fungal community to its very core...with excitement, that is.

Christian, you are quite busy these days. What is keeping you so hard at work that you can't come to my house party this weekend for some liver conditioning?

Indeed. In 2010, I embarked on a project that has put my health, sanity, and relationships with other humans at great risk. Noah Siegel and I decided to write a new field guide to California mushrooms. Mushrooms aren’t like birds though: We don’t know how many species live here, many of them are still unnamed, and we don’t even know how to reliably identify a lot of the ones that are named. There has been much wrangling of primary literature. Minutia have been scrutinized. DNA has been sequenced. Beers have been drunk. After six years of work, we’ve settled on around 750 species to include in the book, and even so, it won’t be comprehensive. Thankfully, Ten Speed Press picked up the project and Mushrooms of the Redwood Coast is scheduled to be on bookshelves early next year.

There's a million bird books out there...some are indispensable, most are highly dispensable. What is the field guide scene like in Kingdom Fungi?  Where will your work fit in to the canon?

Currently, the mushroom field guide scene is blessedly simple to navigate. Arora’s Mushrooms Demystified is the gold standard. There will probably never be a better book for beginners (although it is in desperate need of updating). Lincoff’s Audubon Guide is excellent for the East Coast. Desjardin, Wood, and Stevens’ Mushrooms of California is the Johnny-come-lately, but promises to be a significant step forward. As for Mushrooms of the Redwood Coast, I have no qualms saying our book is going to be the best one for identification-minded mushroom folks in California. I think the fact that we’ve spent a shit-ton of time in the field will be apparent. Noah’s photos are the best around. That said, it might be a tough book for beginners who aren’t highly visual learners. But who knows, maybe people will hate it? Only time will tell.

Sclerotinia sulcata, by Christian Schwarz.

Aside from duff-diving, you are a confessed birder.  How did this come about exactly?  What drew you to the feathered ones?

The ongoing drought has had a lot to do with it. If I hadn’t been able to gaze at ducks and sparrows during those parched and rainless January days, I probably wouldn’t still be among the living. Then again, even in wet years, sometimes you’ve just been down in the duff too long and need to come up for air. Bird are obviously way more behaviorally interesting than mushrooms. That’s a big draw for me. I value birds for their soothing and hilarious properties especially.

Interesting...if true.  Describe your average birder for us.  What do they look like? What do they think about? What are their fundamental flaws?

Oh god. My role as myco-outsider has given me the privilege of choosing to have infrequent encounters with the birding “community”. Thankfully, as a young man first coming to terms with my ornithophilia, I was adopted by a Fellowship of Nerds who lived at the King Street Refuge for Naturalists. Although now a countrywide diaspora, the fellowship remains close to this day. I don’t think they’re really like other birders, but since I primarily go birding with them and their associated hangers-on, I’ll describe them. I wanna keep it short, though, so Imma do a haiku. Here goes:

Kids on the spectrum

Multitaxon burrito 

Love for life’s chaos

Whoa...what happened? I think I blacked out. That probably wasn’t my best work. I need a beer.

Please indulge us with your worst birding memory.

Getting robbed of everything I owned (including my passport) while birding in southern Mexico was pretty horrible. It pains me to think of the journal I lost, which I had filled with watercolors of extravagant Chiapan moths. Thanks to my fellow Bigoteros who did me a solid, I survived and made it back to the United States wearing a Hello Kitty Backpack with a grand total of 5 US dollars and 5 Mexican pesos to my name. But I did not die. The Gods decided Otherwise.

You are not known for chasing escapades, more for holding down Santa Cruz County. How is the Santa Cruz birding scene?  What should visiting birders be checking out?

I love birding in Santa Cruz. The patches are charismatic, and it gets occasional Vagrants of Exceptional Quality. The birders here are good folks, the drama is minimal, things are relaxed. Biggest downsides are lackluster habitat diversity (which is to be expected for such a small county), and the unreliability of getting pelagics to spend time in our waters (I’m a bit of a home-county lister). Visiting birders should head straight to Watsonville. For numbers, diversity, and an all-round pleasant time, south county is hard to beat. I particularly like visiting the CARE Park on the Pajaro River in spring (migrant Passerines), and Harkins Slough and College Lake in mid-winter (waterfowl and sparrows).

How do the mushrooming and birding communities differ?  What are their similarities?

Honestly, they’re pretty different scenes. For one, there isn’t enough known about mushrooms (in our area) to support much compulsive twitcher-type behavior. There’s common ground to be sure, but Christ, mushroomers are a lot weirder. Less disposable income, more often in trouble with the law, scruffier. But mushroomers really know how to cook, a lot of them brew spectacular beer, and boy can they party. I feel right at home.

Pycogonum stearnsi, Stearns' sea spider, by Christian Schwarz.

Aside from birds and mushrooms, you are known for your turnstone styles, lurking in tidepools. What world awaits you in the intertidal?

I was a tidepool fanatic before I got distracted by mushrooms. The siren song of saltwater has recently led me back to the brine. Looking for invertebrates along the rocky shore is very similar to hunting mushrooms - my brain falls into the same groove. But once you learn about the ecology of the intertidal, the similarity stops. I can barely fathom the life cycles of some of these crazy invertebrates. As for what awaits me? Brilliantly-colored soft-bodied things. Things with hard, articulating exoskeletons. Octopi that are smarter than some of my college classmates. Delicious mussels. Fish to fuel nightmares. Inspirational sponges.

Flabellina iodinea, spanish shawl, by Christian Schwarz.

Inspirational sponges...I believe there is a market for that.  You recently started an eco-tourism company of sorts.  Tell us about it, how it came about, how you like it so far.

Right! It’s called Redwood Coast Tours. We lead outdoor walks and workshops focused on local organisms and their ecology, mostly geared towards adults. I got the sense that there was a desire not being met - I heard people saying “Hey! I’d really like to know more about these organisms!”, but not really having anywhere to turn. So I’ve been working to build a network of natural-history nerds who are really excited about their organisms of interest, and who love to teach people about them. Whether it be mushrooms, birds, snakes, butterflies, squirrels, whales, spiders, plants, or sea slugs, I want people to come to us and find their curiosity engaged by excellent naturalists. As a company, we’re brand new, but so far I’ve had an amazingly fun ride. It’s been a privilege to work with the naturalists who’ve led trips so far, and the participants have been uniformly lovely folks. When I see people get super excited about weird little organisms, Life Is Not Pain.

Obligatory question: If one were to go birding under the influence of select mushroom varieties, what might transpire?

Hypothetically? Well, one might have a really good time. One might feel profoundly affected by the songs of vireos. One might see behind the mask and recognize the Wrentit for what She Really Is. One might bask in the wholesomeness of a bathing junco. One might see undulating waves of grassland rise to meet the ocean’s horizon whilst surrounded by the bizarre songs of meadowlarks. One might feel content at one’s core.

Photos of Christian with dead pintail, dead Blue-footed Booby, and live Bird Policeman by Adam Searcy, Amy Patten and Lindsey Mercer.  Thanks to Christian for doing this interview, and for showing us the incredible bonds that can be forged among the half-dead tilapia and swirling flocks of the Salton Sea.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: The Murrelet Incident

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror...and were suddenly silenced". - Obi-Wan Kenobi

While Obi-Wan was describing the destruction of the planet Alderaan by the Death Star, he is also feeling what I felt on November 26, 2014, when the legendary Japanese Murrelet chase came to an abrupt and psychically violent end. Many birders arrived at Point Reyes that morning with the highest of hopes...that they would be lucky enough to see a Japanese Murrelet from a California shoreline. After many hours, only a brightly-marked Ancient Murrelet was seen, and when the photos of The Bird were finally posted to the ABA Blog, a collective scream of terror was uttered by birding America. The large chase crew left broken and defeated...many have since gone silent, locked in their bedrooms, enduring an incapacitating catatonic depression. The entire California birding community was completely crushed, and we have still yet to heal. Bitter memories of the Mile Square Park "Cape May Warbler" came rushing back to more than a few birders. A misidentified Red-footed Booby (it turned out to be a Brown, of course) at Point Reyes a few days later was just more salt in the wound. Some have suggested that this may be as good a time as any to completely quit birding.

What happened? How did this tragedy come about? The Human Birdwatcher Project ("Birders are people too!") and BB&B have put together a timeline of all relevant public communications about The Murrelet Incident...and you can see exactly when the "apparent" Japanese Murrelet becomes something more.

November 24, 2014. A Bird Policeman posts to the California Rare Birds Facebook group:

I haven't seen it on any email lists yet, but Keith Hansen called to tell me that Steve Howell photographed an apparent Japanese Murrelet (Synthliboramphus wumizusume) at the Point Reyes Fish Docks. Unfortunately he did not identify the bird visually, it just showed up in his photos. A number of people were looking until dark today and the bird was not seen.
Just acting as the messenger.

November 25, 2014. A birder posts to a listserv:

Just got a call from Keith Hansen. He, Steve Howell, Ed Harper, Jon Dunn and others saw the bird from a great distance off the Fish Docks on Pt. Reyes this morning. It took several hours of waiting and the bird appeared for 15 minutes, then disappeared. It has the characteristics of a breeding plumaged Japanese Murrelet and was compared with nearby Ancient Murrelets. This bird was first found closer to land and photographed by Steve Howell yesterday afternoon, but not seen after it quickly vanished. I have not seen the bird nor the photos.

November 25, 2014. Another birder posts to a listserv, this time with a very different tone:

…ahem…ahem..excuse me, 

So that everyone gets the word, there is a distinct possibility that a Japanese Murrelet has been found in Drakes Bay at Point Reyes yesterday afternoon by Steve Howell. Today other excellent birders saw it again and now it seems to be a Japanese Murrelet. Identification is difficult from distance (photos were taken yesterday and appear diagnostic) but we up here have been convinced to look tomorrow for it. This would, of course, be a first county record. Actually, a first continental record. 

Seeing is believing so I along with others will be there at first light. 

Remember, a large storm is coming in this weekend so sooner is better….unless your optimistic…and stupid. 

November 25, 2014. A birder posts to eBird a Japanese Murrelet observation. He describes the bird as having a crest, which is an absolutely diagnostic field mark for Japanese Murrelet. This report has subsequently been disappeared.

November 26, 2014. Many of the state's best birders converge at the Fish Docks, searching for the Japanese Murrelet. These included many past and present members of the Bird Police, and some folks came all the way from San Diego. Many Ancient Murrelets were seen, including one in breeding plumage with giant white eyebrows that converge at the back of the head, very similar to how a Japanese Murrelet would appear. In the early afternoon, two days after the initial sighting, Steve Howell posts on the ABA blog the full breakdown of the bird, complete with photos. At no point does he claim that the photos show proof of the bird being a Japanese Murrelet, nor does he claim he is convinced it is a Japanese Murrelet. He makes no mention of the bird having a crest, and bemoans the fact that birders have somehow turned a theoretical Japanese Murrelet into the real thing. The photos showed an intriguing bird (to me, anyway), but ultimately lacked anything truly convincing.

According to multiple witnesses, when the birders at the Fish Docks searching for the murrelet saw the photos on somebody's cell phone, everyone died a little bit on the inside. The chase was off.

Most birders, at least privately, now suspect that there was never a Japanese Murrelet...that the bird in question was an Ancient Murrelet in breeding plumage (like the one above). Since November 26, no one has publicly claimed to have seen a Japanese Murrelet. So what went wrong? How did more than 80+ birders converge from all over the state to twitch a bird that was not real? Birders have turned on each other left and right, reputations are being shredded, and more than one angry twitcher desires actual bloodshed.

Some things to consider:

1) Was there really a Japanese Murrelet out there, as some thought in the beginning? Was the bright-browed Ancient Murrelet seen November 26 the same bird from the photos? The same bird seen, very distantly, on November 25? Will all of this one day air on a new episode of Unsolved Mysteries? Personally, I don't know...I certainly didn't see any of these birds so I really can't comment. But I know that a bunch of birders can simply will a rarity into existence, given the right circumstances. Much like those who have once claimed success in the Ivory-billed Woodpecker hunt, there is no longer anyone willing to publicly admit that they believe they saw a Japanese Murrelet.

2) Some have whined that the photos did not go public until 2 days after the initial sighting, which is a long time when it comes to coverage of a MEGA. This certainly played a role in contributing to the mass hysteria and panic that briefly gripped California birders, but think about it...the person who found the bird was not actually convinced the bird was a Japanese Murrelet, so what was the rush? Despite his status, he doesn't owe it to anyone to get the photos out to the general public ASAP...I'm sure he sent it to a few friends for consideration, which normally would be the wise thing to do. If I had poor, undiagnostic photos (accidental photos, no less) of a potential continental record, I might not be rushing to have every birder in the country scrutinizing it either.

3) While Steve is not California's birding Godfather, he is viewed as a sort of deity by many. Not many other people write entire books on rare birds, gull ID and seabird ID...in fact, no one else has those credentials. Steve's opinion on bird ID is considered gospel by the masses. Even if he thought the bird could be a Japanese Murrelet, that was enough to make people think the bird was real. Attaching Jon Dunn's name to the bird probably didn't help things either.

4) On November 25 a notorious county lister, who had never seen the photos of the bird, claimed that the photos were diagnostic. To quote a famous birder, "that's not how I would have done it". This statement, and then the following eBird report, is where the bird appeared to jump from "apparent" to "confirmed"... and a lot of people were probably convinced to make the long drive to Point Reyes. He also stated that those who were not going to chase the bird were stupid, which did not work out very well for him and 80+ other people in the end.

5) The eBird report from November 25 mentioned the bird having a crest, the most crucial field mark to see. No one else has ever mentioned seeing this, at least publicly. This is seriously sketchy.

6) Birders nationwide have been concerned that so many good birders were involved in The Murrelet Incident. One retired bird policeman from the east coast was quoted as saying, "This shit wouldn't even fly in New York" (I guess New York has a lot of sketchy birders? News to me.). Indeed, many of our Bird Police and alumni were out looking for this bird, but I cannot fault them. If birders are people too, then so are the Bird Police. Almost every birder has a bit of Fox Mulder in them...we want to believe. We all wanted a true-blue Japanese Murrelet to be out there, because we want to see the damn thing.

7) Ancient Murrelets can be in breeding plumage in winter. And they can have huge white eyebrows that meet in the back of their heads. Now we know.

8) Things will never be the same.

Many thanks to John Puschock/Zugunruhe Birding Tours for supplying the Ancient Murrelet photo in today's post.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: It's My Job To Keep Birding Elite, or Esquire's Birder Gets Bizarre

Many of you have read it already, but I think Esquire's recent post on birdwatching is worth some of BB&B's time. Entitled "Uh-oh. Birdwatching Is About To Become Cool. (And it's too bad)", it lets us know right away that we are going to disagree with a lot of the content of the post.

As any loyal BB&B reader knows, birding is not cool. I don't want to be redundant on this subject, but birding resides deeply in the realm of the weird and nerdy. Do cool people bird? Yes, I can get on board with that. Does the activity of birding have any potential to instill any degree of coolness into someone? Absolutley not. I'm fine with that and have accepted it long ago...I'm not concerned about birding being cool or becoming cool because it's just not in the cards. Just look at all the birders out there....you have met them. You know what I'm talking about. We are a frightening lot. The evidence is overwhelming...arguing that birding is not weird is akin to denying climate change. Arguing that birding is becoming hip is about as persuasive as trying to convince someone that the earth is flat.

A fraction of you are lucky enough to have friends outside the world of birding and biology, and with this rare and critical frame of reference lies the potential to actually understand how bizarre birders are as a whole. A number of people have told me that I am the only "cool" birder they have ever met...an accusation I categorically deny. Sure I have nonbirding friends, some weird tattoos, can party, and have an interest in something besides birding, but for those of you who have never met me....I'm super lame. Really, being me is an immersion in embarrassment...just ask my girlfriend. I watch birds all the time, write a uberdorky bird blog, relish obscure Star Wars quotes, am constantly wishing I was watching a new Game of Thrones episode, love profoundly unpopular music (not the unpopular-but-hip stuff), and have no immunity to those awkward moments that plague most birders relentlessly.

Every once in a while, I can't shake that unmistakable feeling...the feeling that somewhere, somehow, a Philadelphia Vireo is watching me. And when I am lucky enough to actually find the bastard, I rejoice. I live for moments like these. But nowhere in this sequence of events does coolness (or lack thereof) enter the equation, and that's how it should be. South Padre Island, TX.

The author of the post seems to think that these birdercentric movies that are coming out (The Big Year and A Birder's Guide to Everything) have a shot at actually going to make birding cool. I just can't make the connection. It's not like The Big Year was directed by Wes Anderson, the Coen Brothers, or Christopher Guest. Sure The Big Year has made birding more popular (which does not at all translate to being "trendy" or "cool"), but it's not like hundreds of thousands of people were recruited into our nerdy ranks.

Speaking of numbers, the author infers that 50 million people go birdwatching every year, which we all know is a myth. That's well above the annual attendance for all NFL and MLB games combined, which is absurd. If that 50 million number were true, about one in six Americans would go birdwatching regularly...can you imagine that? Everyone would know a birder. Can we all get past this ridiculous number that keeps appearing in the media? The true number of casual birdwatchers and birders is likely a tiny sliver of this figure.

These people are birders. They are birding. I'm not kidding...they paid good money to do this. This is what birding looks like. Matching khaki? Hella cool. Fetal position? Fucking ace. Public crotch-burrowing? Uber hip. Photo of cool birders cooly birding by Matt Brady.

Let us skip ahead to my favorite part of the article: "I have met some of these aggressive, fist-pumping birders — frat boys with binoculars — and my God they piss me off. Last year, while I was birding in Florida, walking down a beach where piping plovers nested, I ran into a quartet of them chugging beer as they birded. They were fantastically knowledgeable about the local ecology, I might add.

Are they the future? I'm more worried about the kind of birder found in A Birder's Guide to Everything, the emo type."

I don't even know where to start.....this is truly golden. It almost sounds like a joke, but I just don't think it is. I hear birders complain about hipsters often enough (which I think frequently speaks to a long-distance yet emotionally abusive relationship with the concept of "coolness"), but being paranoid about EMO birders???? Here I am worried about how rising sea levels will eventually decimate low-lying seabird colonies, and this dude is still thinking about emo. And if birding needs anything, it is MORE BEER, not less. I have been birding for almost 20 years, including through college, and I have never observed this rare and elusive frat boy birder. Are there raging birders? Yes. There is a difference. Anyone can rage...in fact, I highly recommend it. And lastly...the number of Piping Plovers that nest in Florida is 0 (zero).

In the end, this dude is entitled to his opinion, and he does hint at some notions that I can get behind. I too think birding is weird and quirky, and I hate birding places that are packed to the gills with other birders. Dealing with too many birders at once can be a drag...I don't even know how the twitchers across the pond put up with it. But I just can't relate to the idea that more of us are a bad thing, for so many reasons that I'm not even going to bother getting into that.

Friends, we hope you enjoyed this post, which has been brought to you by The Human Birdwatcher Project ("Birders Are People Too!"). Stay tuned for information on the next birder flick coming down the pipe, which we recently learned has been given the working title, "A Birder's Guide To Your Mom." Expect many new birders in the near future.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: Swallowgate

I have written of sketchy birders. I have written of stringers, assholes, liars, and the clueless. What the Human Birdwatcher Project has not covered are birders who take dishonesty to such a level that it is truly staggering. As the nation's #7 birder, you can bet the Global Birder Ranking System has me plugged deeply in to the national rumor mill. My little birds are everywhere, as Lord Varys would say, and they sing many songs to me. You would not believe what they have been telling me lately...

It all started out innocently enough...a young birder doing a Big Year in his home state. He set out to conquer the state's big year record, and he succeeded. There was press coverage, much fanfare, and glory. But very quickly, things turned for the worst...he tumbled from those lofty heights like a Snow Goose full of birdshot . His big accomplishment was nothing more than a vulgar display of myopic arrogance.

Let's set the stage. The year before he set out to shatter the record, he found a state first Violet-green Swallow, which was photographed...but no one else ever saw it, despite other observers rushing to find it. Of course, it is always suspicious when a single observer has a pattern of finding rare birds that otherwise go unseen...but if there is a photo, who can argue with that? During his big year, more than one of his self-found/single-observer rarities were photographed, so there was no real reason for concern.

The obvious problem with photos is that they can be faked...but no birder would ever do that...right? What would be the point? I can only see one...where you want to convince people that you are a hot-shit birder. You want that reputation, which ostensibly sounds crazy, but that is something that some birders find to be very, very important...perhaps because you have nothing else. In fact, for whatever reason, you want that reputation more than you care about watching birds themselves...which seems to defeat the whole idea of "birdwatching" in the first place, and violates the golden rule of birding: don't lie. You can be a dipshit, you can be unskilled, you can be a bad person, and birders will still tolerate you as one of them. But for god's sake, don't lie.

It has come to light that this birder has done just that...through some brilliant detectivework that make other bird police forces look sloppy and lazy by comparison, his state first photo was discovered to have been taken not in his state at all, but in Colorado. It was a farce, and he got caught...there was something amiss with the bird's tertial pattern, and data associated with the photo put the observer in the wrong state at the wrong time. My little birds tell me that after a period of complete denial that anything was wrong, he eventually claimed that the bird was real, he just thought that he could lubricate the record's passage by The Bird Police by using a decent photo. Of course, no one really believes that, and Violet-green Swallow turned out to not be the only rarity he documented with a photo of a different bird taken in a different state. The big year suddenly wasn't so big at all. State birders were plunged into a dark malaise...the light at the end of this tunnel was a long way off.

This is the closest thing one can get to "treason" in birding. With a fake state record and a fake record-breaking big year to claim as his, this birder is, for all intents and purposes, doomed. No birder will trust him for years to come...he will be haunted by the nightmare ghost of a Violet-green Swallow forever. His betrayal is known to many, and not only is he being actively shunned in his own state, but the entire American scene is taking notice. Instead of being a high-profile birder in his home state, his name is now in the toilet, and it will be for the foreseeable future.

Birders don't need this. Young birders do not need to have suspicions of stringing and lying cast upon them...hell, I'm in my 30s, and I still get doubted by old white birders who don't know they are dealing with #7. No birder needs to have the idea put in their head that they can do this and get away with it. Birders do not need to sacrifice a lot of time and money chasing after birds that exist only to serve as a "tick" on someone's fabricated list. eBird does not need fake data. Birders are hard to get along with as it is...if we can't trust what we tell each other, what do we have? Not anything that can be called a community, that's for sure.

And there you have it. Swallowgate. Take it to heart.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: A Major Leak From the Global Birder Ranking System (Rise and Measure the Temple of the Five)

What does Final Five material know about Swainson's Thrush? Everything. Dry Tortugas National Park, FL.

BREAKING NEWS. Being the Number 7 birder in the United States, I am constantly besieged with questions about the Global Birder Ranking System (GBRS) that assigned me this lofty position in the first place. As I have mentioned before, GBRS is very secretive, and those of us considered to be Birding Giants are typically under various gag orders...we are able to acknowledge the existence of GBRS, but giving out details is not something we are typically free to do.

Until now. I recently received this memo (something I am normally not privy to) from an Anonymous Source about the current guidelines of potential inclusion into the vaunted Final Five; the top 5 birders in the country. Although I put my ranking and reputation at great risk by releasing this information to you all, hopefully it will put an end to the one of the questions I get the most...how do you get into the highest circle of the greatest birders in the United States?

Below is the complete memo, almost entirely intact, brought to you by none other than The Human Birdwatcher Project ("Birders are people too!"). Please do not ask me to explain the quote at the bottom...certain things are better left unsaid.

Subject: Memo: Standards and Practices for the Recertification and Inclusion of New Members of the Final Five
From: The Global Birder Ranking System (High Cabal)
To: The Global Birder Ranking System ( Class Bravo Birderer Technicians)

Hello GBRS staff, we hope this memo finds you well. With the discovery of mega-crippler Rufous-necked Wood-Rail (which earned Mr. Daw an outstanding 84 points!), many of you newer staff have been wondering how discoveries like this (or lack thereof) can affect the standings of The Final Five. The Final Five, of course, have all been there for several years now, with 4th and 5th place birders switching places several times as a result of certain eyebrow-raising gull misidentifications and a brief but bizarre public meltdown of Number 4 while chasing a Pink-footed Goose last winter. This outburst has since been attributed by the GBRS Ranking Audits Division (GBRS-RAD) to the observer's marathon of whisky consumption, brought on by a particularly nasty dip from the day before. GBRS-RAD recently determined this was an act of desperation, rather than deeply-ingrained personality flaws manifesting themselves (see March 2012 memo "Recurring Traits Found in GBRS Low-Ranked American Birders"). 

The GBRS High Cabal wants to reassure you junior staff that the regulations for eligibility of The Final Five have remained much as they have been since the January 2011 memo. As a refresher, here are the current requirements for inclusion in the Final Five.

Most birders could not tell you how to identify an immature Great Frigatebird, which is showing off its characteristic ruddy head and pink feet. The Final Five would know this bird instantly, with no need for field guides. Photographed at Midway Atoll.

1. Identification Skills. It goes without saying that the most important factor in ranking of the Final Five are a birder's identification skills. The Final Five must be leaders in the most challenging aspects of North American bird identification, particularly groups such as gulls, tubenoses, female hummingbirds, flycatchers, etc. Intimate knowledge of Mexican, Central American, Siberian, Caribbean and European species that have or could occur in the United States is expected as well.

The Final Five are constantly on the lookout for unexpected birds, no matter the chances against them. Gray-backed Tern (this one from Midway Atoll) may someday reward southern Californian birders who put in time sorting through summer tern flocks.

2. Birds Found. The quickest way a birder can increase their standing in GBRS is not to chase rare birds, but to find them. For example, points earned for documenting a Ross's Gull can (at least temporarily) completely offset a birder's consistent inability to differentiate Red-necked and Little Stint at 500 yards. Of course finding a national mega carries the most weight, but everything from state records to documenting localized breeding for the first time can cumulatively bear heavily on a Final Five contender's GBRS score.

A birder could have Grasshopper Sparrow for every county in their state, and that would not propel them into the Final Five. Medicine Lake National Wildlife Refuge, MT.

3. Lists. The classified formula of calculating a birder's lists and integrating them into their GBRS score remains the same. It is important to stress the fact that impressive list totals often are not found in conjunction with the other attributes listed in this document.

Anyone in the Final Five knows that despite it being an exotic waterfowl species, there has been no suspected case of escapee Tufted Ducks in California for years. Lake Merritt, Oakland, CA.

4. Vagrants and Escapees. The Final Five must have a firm grip on knowing the provenance of birds whose origins are questionable. Neither cage bird conspiracy theorists nor blatantly biased stringers will be eligible for upgrading to The Final Five. Those who have been on the right side of history in cases like this (which may or may not be in accordance to various state committee decisions) will be rewarded appropriately.

In terms of molt and plumage, the appearance of this Mississippi Kite would be challenging to describe for many birders. Not so, for the Final Five. Dairy Mart Ponds, Tijuana River Valley, CA.

5. Molt. Simply, complete memorization of the contents of the Pyle books is expected; additional knowledge and insight is preferred. It should go without saying that bird topography must be known like the back of one's hand. The benefits of molt mastery are many and need not be explained here.

Top-ranked birders have been gossiping about the potential split between Western and Eastern Willets for years. A thorough, respectable genetic study would probably seal the deal; Final Five candidates would know what types of studies would be acceptable in this particular case. "Western" Willet, Marina Park, Ventura, CA.

6. Genetics. The field of genetic studies of birds resulting in splitting and lumping species is fluid and constantly undergoing change. It is paramount that the Final Five know both the current and obsolete methods used in avian genetic studies, the history of these tools, and splits and lumps that may occur going forward.

All current Final Five birders are intimately familiar with the flight call of Blackburnian Warbler. Some inexperience with flight calls of rare and range-restricted species (i.e. Kirtland's Warbler, Colima Warbler) is acceptable for future Final Five candidates. Dry Tortugas National Park, FL.

7. Flight Calls. Vocalizations are a basic, crucial part of various identifications and need not be discussed here. However, flight calls of passerines are known to a small minority of birders and can provide conclusive identification of unseen flyover birds. Western birders in particular suffer from a lack of knowledge in this field, due to differences in species communities and the nature of migration in western states. Future nominees for the Final Five from western states are expected to overcome this regional handicap.

While the laybirder may suggest that the crest of Crested Auklet may simply be a function of breeding plumage, the Final Fiver will know that a study has shown that they serve an important function in feeling their way around the dimly-lit rock crevices where they nest. Buldir Island, AK.

8. Science. The Final Five need not hold degrees in a scientific field, although it is helpful. However, a solid understanding of science and it's framework of critical thinking is necessary. There is no room in The Final Five for theoretical ornithologists, who put forth theories on bird behavior, movements, appearance, and biology based on complete speculation and guesswork.

A member of the Final Five is expected to exude a wealth of knowledge pertaining to all North American birds. In a recent test by GBRS-RAD, GBRS birders ranked 1-5 all correctly answered that the set gillnet fishery for Kodiak Island, AK, had an estimated bycatch of 28 Red-faced Cormorants in 2002. Buldir Island, AK. 

9. Knowledge. Encyclopedic knowledge of birdlife is expected in The Final Five. This includes, but is not limited to, status and distribution of birds down to very fine temporal and spatial scales, repertoire of vocalizations, variations of specific plumages and morphology, behavior, conservation issues, and known connections to ecosystems. Knowledge is power, and one cannot become a power-birder without it.

This bucolic scene features birders displaying exemplary conduct. They demonstrate a youthful vigor, ostensible camaraderie, potential solidarity, a healthy interest in something other than birds, and excellent calves.

10. Conduct. A birder is a birder both in the field and after the binoculars come off.  The Final Five are expected to have social skills far and above those of the average birder, or to be explicitly clear, the social skills one would expect from the average nonbirder. Expected conduct does not compel the Final Five to be mild-mannered or inoffensive, but the following habits and traits are strongly desired: Not embarrassing themselves in online forums/Facebook groups/listservs; keeping an even temper; comprehension of basic social cues (i.e. the ability to detect and dispense sarcasm, making a joke that other people can understand, etc); lacking prejudices against large swaths of the population (i.e. men, women, Asians, beginning birders etc.); not pronouncing bird names in bizarre, completely unconventional ways; not being overly serious, petty, or passive-aggressive. A mild amount of awkwardness is acceptable for members of the Final Five, however the stifling awkwardness abundant in the birding community generally prevents birders from advancing beyond Birder #85 or so.

With the number of skilled but socially isolated, hermit-like birders in the United States whose conduct is poorly understood, GBRS is considering the creation of a supplemental list to track and rate hermit birders. A decision on the creation of this new ranking subset is expected in the coming months. 

Moving forward, we continue to cast a wary eye on the incursion of photographers into the birding community and the increasingly gray area between birders and photographers, which some worry may potentially complicate GBRS scoring. At this point in time we will stay the course and not score those who have not admitted to being a birder, in public or otherwise.

The annual GBRS 4th of July BBQ in Bridgeport, CA, was a great success! Congratulations to Birder #38, who won the chili cook-off.

The shorebirds are moving south friends, and as their numbers swell, so too will your GBRS score. Good birding everyone, and as always...

"Limiting diffusions to two dimensions increases the number of evolutionary jumps within the species. Rise and measure the Temple of the Five. Transformation is the goal. They will not harm their own."

Please destroy this document after reading. Thank you! - GBRS High Cabal

HBP Presents: "I Would Be A Human Landfill": The Sad Confessions of the Off-Season Guller

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Best Friends and Unstable Freaks: Photography, Birding and Field Work With Jill Wussow

Those of us who have toiled in the mines of the Birdosphere for many years know that you start to build some key alliances over time. I have known Jill (without actually meeting her, how 2013) for longer than any other of my blogger friends, so she is a perfect choice for bringing back The Human Birdwatcher Project's interview series. As HBP reminds us, "birders are people too!", and I think Jill proves that...but as I've said, I've never met Jill, although I would be surprised if this developed into another Manti Te'o situation.

Jill's work and questionable deeds can be seen on her blog, Count Your Chicken! We're Taking Over!, and on her website, Jill Wussow Photography. You may also harass her on Facebook right here. All of today's photos were taken by photographer, blogger, sometimes-birder and Golden-cheeked Warbler servant, Jill Wussow.

Jill. Back when I started BB&B in 2008, you were the first blog I found which featured someone who did the same kind of work, yet took really good photos, and even started a blog at practically the same time. I was weirded out, but intrigued. When did you start taking seasonal field jobs? What were your first couple of jobs?

Oh, I'll tell you everything. A lot of it. Some of it.  2005 is when the magic happened (and when all hell broke loose). I took a Student Conservation Association gig playing with sea turtles, Piping Plovers and American Oystercatchers. I met some pretty spectacular people and made some of my worst enemies. You know how it goes. The end of the season ended with a love a shorebirds and a restraining order (uh, not against me). I was obviously hooked. 

You've been in the blogging game for days and have won worldwide acclaim throughout the internet. You are a true maven of the birdosphere, perhaps even a Bloggess. What is your secret? Why did you start blogging?

Oh yes, worldwide acclaim. It does get rather tiring. Yawn. I felt the need to spread the good word, and being nomadic, it was a good way to keep friends and family in the know of my whereabouts. And well, frankly, nature, bird, wildlife photography is kind of what I love doing. That passion thing, you know what I mean? It pumps me up when others get it and appreciate it. 

You clearly like birds a lot. Whats wrong with you? What drove you to them?

Yeah, they're okay. You're right. I kinda like 'em.  But here's the thing: they came to me and I couldn't stop them. It took me a little while to get into the whole birding thing. I can't lie about it. But once I did (thanks to a certain warbler), well, sweet baby Jesus, Tucker! I am not a lister and unless someone else is paying for gas and grub, I'm not about to travel hundreds of miles from Mississippi to Big Bend to see a Tufted Flycatcher....Oh. Hold up. This actually did happen. And my photo of it got on the front of the Western Birds Journal. Shhh....so obnoxious of me. 

But seriously, like you said, there's a lot wrong with me. 

How did you start birding?

I can't lie, it was thanks to an ex. He was/is a rabid birder and it took some time but I realized that as painfully dorky as birding is, it can be sort of...what's the word I'm looking for..."cool?"  It took a little while though and I still am easily distracted ( I may or may not have ADHD or something similar) by shiny shit or bright colors. Even though I started studying birds in 2005, it wasn't until the end 2007 when I realized what was up. The Golden-cheeked Warblers sucked me in. They became my new best friends and they all have wicked personalities. I love them, and I know they love me too.

What did you think about birdwatchers before you knew any? What do you think about them now?

I thought they were f'ing obnoxious and painfully nerdy.  I stand by this statement.  I mean, not all, but a good percentage. I stopped [whitewater] paddling because of elitist egotistical dicky-bags, and birders can be awfully similar. There's really no need to be a pretentious birder, so this confuses me. I'm a very competitive person, but seriously, with birding? It's irritating and it makes them (the people, not the birds, come on) even less cool, so get a grip, really. I prefer birding with just one or two other people; those group things bum me out...maybe I'm anti-social, and maybe birds don't love huge groups of humans. That being said, when I lived in Humboldt County, I got extra competitive and loved seeing my name above certain Humboldters on eBird. Ahem. Now, eBird pretty much bores me. 

Being a seasoned field biologist, you are an expert on field biologists. What do they think? What do they look like? What do they talk about?

Oh boy. If we're going with average, I'd say use keywords such as:  dirty, dorky, backpacks, gearheads. What? I dunno. I used to think there was a common theme but I've done more than 10 field seasons now and I'm not really sure. In my ideal field biology world, there is a lot of not-bathing going on, backpacking/hiking, field guides, good beer, frisbee, barefoot running shoes, vegetarianism/veganism, piece of shit cars, hummus, Dr. Bronners, "hey, check out this bug!," mountain bikes, weird incestuous relationships. Things like that. Of course the list goes on. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of Jack Johnson type music and recent graduates who like to talk the (scientific) talk rather than walk the walk. So. It's a little weird because I know who the true average field biologist is. And I wonder, Tucker, who are we being replaced with? Who?

The Jack Johnsonites are to be feared and loathed, there is no question.  It sounds like you have worked with as many horrible people as me. Any embarrassing/aggravating stories you want to share?

I have worked with many more horrible people than you have. I guarantee it. The aforementioned restraining order incident (which was heaps of fun), the alcoholic cactus poacher, the previously-jailed heroin addict, the 300 pound guy who wanted to kill anyone with a vagina, the crazy Mormon who I'm pretty sure was hiding bodies in her spare time, the gun-wielding slut grad student...I don't want to write a book here, Tucker, but I easily could. I'd like to say the drama thing escapes me but that's just not the case. I often feel like I'm in the middle of some twisted Real World Field Biologists nonsense...which, by the way, is a really good idea. Also, I do have a pretty horribly embarrassing story that involves a field dump, but I'll save that one for a rainy day. And one more side note: I've met some of my best friends doing field work, they're not all unstable freaks!

Is it possible to be a hardcore birder or biologist without being a nerd?

Yes, just look at Elias Elias!! I love him, and I hope this doesn't embarrass him because I mean it in a flattering way. 

I'm pretty sure Elias is a nerd (no offense Elias). Moving on...you take facemelting pictures. What gear do you work with? Anything not in your optical arsenal that you'd really like to have?

Oh. Why thank you, kind sir. I use a Canon 7D as the body. Wildlife and birds are taken with an OS Sigma 50-500 mm. I dunno if everyone wants to get gear giddy right here, so here is the link to my goods.

Of course I'd love new and improved goods, but honestly, what I've got right now gets the job done and I'm not going to complain...I do have to send a lens back to Canon to get fixed though, which sort of blows. 

What's it like being one of the dominant wildlife photographers in the Birdosphere? If you dropped this "biology" bullshit you would be huge!

Sell me. Sell me! Yea, I wouldn't complain if I could make some bucks off photos, at least enough to buy groceries. I wouldn't complain at all. That'd be pretty badass.  But at the same time, I love. I LOVE field biology. But it sucks because I'm all old and stuff now and I feel like maybe I'm the old weirdo who the rest of the crew talks about. Not that I'm paranoid, but you know what I mean. I'm 32, dude. Gross. Gives me a huge complex. However, full time gigs are not for me. And I get my kicks studying birds. I love and value what I do for money but I also love and value my play time (and sanity). Some may call me a slacker. 

It is well known that you have been cruelly persecuted by the Catholic Church and repeatedly denied help by the health insurance industry for chronic debilitating pain. Right-wing America is out to get you. Yet you continue to thrive in the midst of it all. Surely your drive to go on is based on a strong desire to see a certain bird....what is it????

True statements, my friend.  My willpower actually stems from (shade-grown) coffee, yerba mate, and IPA. That, and a need for justice and revenge. I dunno. I have dreams about Fork-tailed Flycatchers on a fairly regular basis. And sadly, there was one just a couple hours from me recently. I failed to acknowledge it for various reasons. I need/crave another Central America trip in the near future (so your CR blogs aren't really helping with that, mmkay?). I see what I see, and I'm always pumped to see it. Because in the end, I'm not picky. I love birds (and all wildlife), and it all puts a big dorky smile on small dorky face. I'm so embarrassed right now.