When You Go To Heaven, You Will Find No Policemen There

Scissor-me-timbers! A Scissor-tailed Flycatcher at work in Oklahoma.

Well, as you probably know if you're going through the motions of reading this, I live in Pennsylvania. Temporarily. Things are pretty low key out here, up on the mountain. Of course, in places like Pittsburgh, which is only 80 short miles away, life is probably a bit different. They have sports teams, colleges, a decent music scene....uh.....probably a couple strip clubs and casinos.....well I am guessing its not that different from any other big city in the U.S., but I want to check it out anyway. Why not? Philadelphia is a bit far, I can't contemplate visiting Baltimore, and I have always felt the need to treat New York like a rabid pit bull....if you don't have to deal with it, why bother? Art, in the traditional sense, bores me (no offense, hipster art friends), museums aren't that much better, tourist hotspots are depressing, the Yankees are there....what else...pizza? Really? Why would I go to some god-foresaken clusterfuck of a city for pizza?

As you can see, I've always had a strange bias against the place, for reasons I can't entirely explain. There's good music in NYC and Central Park makes for decent birding, and I do like bagels....but I'm sure there's someplace else that can offer music, birds and bagels.........right? Arcata comes to mind, now that Burks (now of Fall The Giants) is living up to his potential.

Besides the local birdlife (which is pretty rad), I havent learned much about the local human population here except they are white and like Pittsburgh sports teams. Oh yeah, people love the hockey here, and could care less about basketball. Thats about it. Talk about in-depth research, yeah? Oh there's a vegan/raw place a few miles down the road in Donegal that I'm pretty stoked about going to....and the only big grocery store around is called Giant Eagle and carries a lot of good veggie/vegan-friendly stuff. Ok, this is getting tedious....

Birds? Right. Henslow's Sparrows and Upland Sandpiper were both new birds for me, and despite the summer starting to peter out, Ive managed to put in some quality time with Black-and-white, Hooded, Kentucky, Magnolia, Black-throated Blue and Black-throated Green Warblers, redstarts, Ovenbirds, Black-billed Cuckoos (easy to hear, harder to see), Bobolinks, Grasshopper Sparrows, Acadian Flycatchers.....you know, good friends!

Below are a few more pictures from the trip out here. Oh yeah, let me know if anyone wants to meet with me for a Hidden Valley Beer Summit. I promise I'll have something better than Budweiser.



There were thousands of these grasshoppers covering some roads north of Amarillo on the Texas panhandle. I saw a bunch of old asian women walking the sides of the roads, putting them in big jars, I assume for eventual human consumption. I wonder what they taste like? [The grasshoppers, not the women.]



Yellow-crowned Night-Heron 1. This adult was one of several birds that appeared on the shoreline of Oklahoma City's Lake Heffner at sunset.



Yellow-crowned Night-Heron 2. This is a juvenile, recently fledged (see the downy feathers on its crown?).



Yellow-crowned Night-Heron 3. A subadult, I'm guessing 1-2 years old?



The same Missippi Kite as the previous blog. They are, indisputedly, the Marissa Tomei of American birds.

No, Not At All, and Yes: Confessions of a Female Birdwatcher

Birdwatchers. They are everywhere, yet they are nowhere. They blend in to the populace when not in their birding attire (khakis, vests, floppy hats, binoculars, scopes, tripods, cameras, etc.). They could even pass for "normal". You may not know by looking at someone that they are, in fact, a birdwatcher. They do not don their birding "plumage" unless they set out specifically for this task, and then the average person would have no clue where these people go. As a result of this, we are a little-known and poorly-understood people.

In addition to this fact, birdwatching is, without a doubt, one of the nerdiest hobbies that have ever been conceived by God or Man. There are nerdier things out there of course.....entemology, math, physics, Dungeons and Dragons, "graphic novels", and arguably, "gaming". But, aside from Dungeons and Dragons, these people at least do not look ridiculous while pursuing their passions. Although it is anybody's guess, it has long been hypothesized that many people become drawn to this hobby because of personal differences with the rest of society. Some of us suffer, quite obviously, of various social "disorders". Many birders who lack a sense of humor (which is a lot of them), however, would never admit their problems, and so many questions remain.

To shed some light on this problem, I have spread my legs and given birth to The Human Birdwatcher Project (HBP). This massive undertaking, made possible only by massive grants from undisclosed sources, will shed some light on the reality of the birdwatcher. Today I bring you my first interview with a self-professed birder. She is a young adult female with good plumage, and gave us, here at the HBP, something to think about.

Seagull Steve (SS): Please state your name and occupation:

Liz: I am Elizabeth Donadio, I think I'm a wildlife biologist. Someday I would like to become an acupuncturist and part-time yoga instructor as well. And....I want a goat. I want to learn to milk the goat and make cheese. Or, you know, goat cheese. Any kind of cheese actually. I just love cheese.

SS: And you consider yourself a "birdwatcher"?

Liz: Mmhmm, I do. I like to watch the birdies.

SS: What deep-seated issues to do you grapple with on a daily basis?

Liz: (Sighs) Mmmmmm. Ok. Well I don't know where Im going next. I guess its been that way for um going on 4 years. Also, I am so poor, so poor, and I cant really afford food right now.....but I feel like a butterball. Therefore its a positive thing that I cant afford food because I'm losing weight fast. These are personal issues.

SS: Do you suffer from any diseases or disorders?

Liz: Um, I have degenerative arthritis in my right hip, it actually hurts really bad. I stopped jogging. I will someday need a hip replacement. Oh, Im hypoglycemic. You know how I go up and down? I just don't ever pay attention to it. I go along on the roller coaster ride. (Coughs) Mmhmm. Other than that I think I'm really fucking healthy.

SS: Were you abused as a child?

Liz: Hmmmm......not that I recall.

SS: Why do enjoy watching birds?

Liz: This is the weirdest fucking interview ever. Why is this jumping from "were you abused as a child" to "why do you enjoy watching birds"? Well there's a lot of reasons. I guess.....its hard to put into words...I guess. Watching birds makes me happy....and why does it make me happy? Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm. I don't know how to describe it. I cant really express it. It is like fucking spiritual for me. You know how I cried in that canyon with the hummingbirds in Arizona? I know its weird but thats what it is. It takes me out of myself and makes me really not think about....it takes me out of my head. Birds are really sexy and I like to look at them. There are so many kinds and they are so diverse. These Apapane are so fast. It brings up the animal instinct in me to hunt. Thats why I like nest searching. We have instincts to hunt, you know? They are so fast and so hard to follow. I love them, they are so kinetic, they are hella crazy.



SS: Do you consider yourself attractive in any human way?

Liz: (clears throat) Huh. To some degree.

SS: Do other people consider you attractive in any human way?

Liz: Some. I think. Mmmhmm. I think the boobs.....I think the boys like the boobs. Some girls too. The big ones. Interesting.

SS: Why should people care about birds?

Liz: Why shouldn't they care? I dont see any reason why people shouldnt care about them. Why do people care about anything?

SS: Do you find that you have problems "fitting in" with the rest of society?

Liz: Yes I do. For the most part yeah, like the mainstream, mmhmm. There's people out there that understand us though.

SS: And do you think this is what drove you to this hobby?

Liz: No. I dont think so.....that would be fucking weird I think. Actually.....yeah. But its not completely direct. I think so. I don't fit in so Im going to go look at things that wont judge me. In general, what I do in my free time in general is because of this. I used to do these sorts of things to make me feel good, like hiking, but then I made friends who did these things who did not talk about these things. I got into birds when I went to Humboldt and it started happening because there were people there who were into it. They were like, "let's go birding!" and I went. Then I felt like I loved doing this. So, in some ways, no, but at the same time, not at all, and yes.

SS: What do you think about the fact that many birders actually do very little to help birds and the environment in general? Buying expensive optics and paying admission to get into a state park is not going to save the world.

Liz: I think if they don't do anything to help, then maybe for them its a different thing than it is for me. Im a fucking jackass.....I fucking fly everywhere, I'd like to THINK that I help birds. Maybe for them its asthetic. Birds are pretty. And then there's those birders....where its a competition, and that's selfish. They make lists. They're all about the lists. Maybe its the selfish birders who are not attempting to help birds.



SS: What is your favorite bird and why?

Liz: I don't have a favorite. I have a favorite now in this moment. Rights now its Apapane. Why? Because they are fucking amazing and they are here where I can appreciate them on a daily basis. They wake me up in the morning. If they werent here, where I'm living (editor's note: she is referring to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, on the Big Island of Hawaii), life would be completely fucking different. There is one that comes down low and I can see it through my window in the morning, it doesn't know I can see it. They are normally so hard to see because they are so fast. I like the white-eyes and Amakihi, but I love the red birds.

SS: Are you aware that much of society shuns you and persecutes you for your passion?

Liz: No. Are you serious? I think that's dramatic. I don't think thats true, I think thats ridic. I don't believe that. I'm an optimist.

So there it is people. I will leave this to you for interpretation...but I warn you, there is Truth in this Madness, and I suggest you take it to heart.

Where The People Are Cells And The Streets Are Veins

Driving across this horrible and beautiful beast we know as the United States, even by myself for the vast majority of it, was a pretty positive experience. I went from San Francisco to Ventura, east to southeastern Arizona, then onward through New Mexico, the Texas panhandle, Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, and then finally Pennsylvania. Once I left the dregs of southern California behind, I was surprised at how open everything was, from Indio onward. I went through a few big cities (Phoenix, Albuquerque, Amarillo, Oklahoma City, St. Louis, Indianaopolis, etc.), but it was kind of heartwarming to see the lack of people across the country. I grew up amidst monstrous urban sprawl, and it was heartwarming to see that a lot of the country isn't quite like that.

What they do have is Jesus. Jesus is everywhere! He's not quite as prevalent here in Pennsylvania as we in places like Oklahoma and Texas, but the heartland of America loves their (twisted version of) Jesus with a passion.

Which comes as a surprise to no one, of course. Most Americans do, in fact, love Jesus. One 2004 estimate puts the number of Americans who identify themselves as Christian, on some level, as over 244 million people! Thats 76% of the population! Holy shit! That's a hell of a lot of people who see everything a whole lot differently me.....to put it mildly.

Most people are not on the same plane (astroplane?) as me though, and I've learned that a long, long time ago. That's probably why I'm out here to find bat carcasses.

Finally.....today is Sarah Palin's last day on the job, and we should all rejoice.



Box turtle! I never thought I'd see one in the wild. Someone was actually home in here, but he/she was a bit camera shy.



This moth was apparently jealous of my bird-love and wanted to show off.



A sleepy Pipevine Swallowtail at dawn.



Little Piney Creek ran behind my campsite in Missouri. Definitely someplace I would like to go back to.



A small scorpion that was hanging out next to my tent in Oklahoma. Ouch though?



A Mississippi Kite next to Oklahoma's Arcadia Lake. They're pretty slick-looking.

Seems Like A Dream, To Good To Be True

In honor of HDT's (Henry David Thoreau) birthday, welcome to Bizzarro Birding Day Y2K9.

It's day two here at the bat job, and things are going pretty good, disregarding the welding problems some of our equipment has. The turbines are terrible and huge (380 feet high!), yet are eerily quiet. The blades are so big and move at such speed that a bird or bat flying next to a moving blade will die.....the pressure change will cause the animals blood vessels to burst!

The project site is located in a mix of grassland and forested areas, and its pretty birdy.....Field, Grasshopper and Vesper Sparrows, Upland Sandpiper (thats a new one!), Indigo Buntings, Scarlet Tanagers, Red-eyed Vireos, Black-throated Blue Warbler, etc. In unrelated news, one person on the crew looks/sounds strikingly like Graham Nathan Lieherly, which I find vaguely disturbing. Who knew he would be roaming the Pennsylvania countryside?

The alcohol situation here is truly strange. You cannot go into a grocery store (the majestically named Giant Eagle, locally) and buy alcohol, of any kind. You can go to a beer distributor and buy a case (which I did today), go to a liquor store to buy wine and liquor, or go into a diner (i.e. Pizza Hut), and get a 6-pack to go. I have my first case of Yuengling chilling in the fridge right now.....it is the cheap local beer I was told to buy. I will give you a review in the near future.

Here are some more pictures from Southeast Arizona, for your viewing pleasure. If you know of any other instance of cross-dressing birdwatchers, please inform me immediately.



The Big Sky over Patagonia's Cottonwood Gallery Forest. Lot's of Summer Tanagers, Vermillion Flycatchers and Yellow-billed Cuckoos in here.



Strelow catches a lightning bolt.



Only someone even nerdier than I may ponder the identity of this species.



A dung beetle, gettin' that shit!



Sunset from the top of Carr Canyon. If you look closely, you can see The Big Brother Balloon that looks out for illegal Mexican traffic.....human and otherwise. Creepy!



After the hummingbird bonanza, a monsoon chased us out of Miller Canyon. Fitting.

Shut The Door So I Can Leave

An epic Madera Canyon sunset was a solid crowd-pleaser.

Well.....it seems Ive made it. I write to you, late on a Saturday night, from the Hidden Valley Four Seasons Resort, a posh piece of property that I would normally have no business on, seeing that A) I am not of the Elite and B) I have no interest, of any kind, that would motivate me to be here even if I could afford it.....although the trap and skeet range does strike my on-again off-again fancy with firearms.

What am I doing here? Monday I start my new job with Bat Conservation International, whom I will be working for until the middle of October.....and for reasons that I have yet to fully understand, the field housing for the project is located exclusively at this resort. I'm holed up in this condo, complete with loft, fireplace, a big stack of firewood, and all the essential furniture items, kitchenware, etc. Aside from the food and alcohol situation (which really is a whole situation in and of itself.....I'll explain later), I'm completely self-contained.

The journey out here, of course, was far more interesting than the destination....so far. But there are a lot of pictures.....so many pictures......so in order to capture the nerdy spirit of the thing I will just post a bunch of nonhuman (Inhuman?) pictures from Southeast Arizona, one of the birding meccas of United States.



A Monsoonbow off of Hwy 19, north of Madera Canyon.



The resident male Flame-Colored Tanager outside Madera Kubo Cabins.



Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble.....

I got to a bird around Southeast Arizona with a bunch of half-crazies, the stars of which were veterans from the 2007/2008 Imperial Valley Burrowing Owl seasons. It was a breezy experience, to say the least. Berylline Hummingbirds and Buff-breasted Flycatchers were both new to me.....and I think it is safe to say, at this juncture, that things will never be the same. To put it bluntly, southeastern Arizona is a facemelting place to look at birds, and can test you physically and mentally....I've found myself Out There, on that high, jagged edge, more than once over the years. The intense heat and rigorous schedule of trying to see as much as you can in just a few days can do a number on you......but nothing a little rattlesnake won't cure, you know what I'm sayin'?

I start work tomorrow out here in the PA, I'll let you know how it goes. Otherwise, I'll post some more All-American Goodness from The Road in the near future.......until then, hold it down!



A bloodthirsty Brown-crested Flycatcher delivers its defeated prey to its bloodthirstier nestlings in the power pole. Shortly after this picture was taken, the flycatcher pair were documented attempting to stuff a small child into a cavity.



Two or three White-eared Hummingbirds were holding down the feeders at Beatty's in Miller Canyon. A truly awesome creature.



A Berylline Hummingbird in the process of assembling a giant, chewbaccaesque figure. No one quite understands the reasons for this.



A bedazzling male Broad-billed Hummingbird.



A Black-chinned Hummingbird shows off its chin-bling.



Although not a good picture, I kind of like it. Beware the Hooded Oriole that attacks by lamplight.

Add Whiskey To Taste

I ate my first roadkill the other day....a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake. Despite the fact that it was several days old and had some maggots.....it was amazing! Skin it, remove viscera, roast over a fire and add Sri Racha and an American whiskey to taste. Don't forget to suck out the spinal cord!

We Called It America

I'm back in Ventura now, mobilizing for my roadtrip eastward......right through the main arteries of America, where the weather runs hot and the blood runs cold.....where (the white, English-speaking version of) Jesus Is Lord and foreigners and terrorists are considered one in the same. Will I even make it? Will I be overtaken and devoured by Missouri's mongaloid population? I hear they are thirsty for exotic blood.......or maybe a quick mugging and some stabbing in a wooded Oklahoma lot will be my fate.....but it wouldnt be so bad if I could go out with the song of a Painted Bunting in the distance........but I am going out there to Live, not to die, after all, and contemplating the clogging of America's red blood will do me no good at this point. I won't have many opportunities to blog as I go, but once I'm settled in Pennsylvania, I think I will have a grip on the true meaning of the thing along with some soon-to-be-legendary photos.

I'm waiting for some paperwork to arrive from The Bat People....this is the only thing that can hold me back. But thats not very exciting.....so on to other things.

The first stop, of course, is MONSOONREUN(ion)Y2K9, featuring the astounding birds of Southeast Arizona and some bizarre people who have haunted my recent past. But I don't think I can quite rest until I hear the comforting squeak of a Sulphur-bellied Flycatcher once again (its been ten years!)....only then will the world feel Right again....at least for a moment.

So in 2001 a movie called Rare Birds was put out. The premise is that a struggling restaraunt owner (William Hurt) is desperate for business, and his friend convinces him the best way to turn a profit is to phone in a sighting of an extinct duck at the cove adjacent to his isolated restaraunt. The ornithological experts that host the weekly birding radio show believe his description, and a crazed rush of birdwatchers descend upon his place in pursuit of the duck. Business is good and everything is going swimmingly......until people start dying and a lot of cocaine is consumed. Its pretty rad......I havent seen it in many years but its definitely worth watching. I don't think many people know this movie exists, so we here at BB&B thought it would be best to share this information with you........despite the numbers of our herds/hordes/flocks, birding doesn't really appear in the mainstream media very often....although I do remember a few decent scenes from Northern Lights, Twin Peaks, The Simpsons and a few more. Perhaps the cocaine-birding association may convince nonbirders that we are a more interesting than binoculars, a weird vest and a floppy hat draped over some sexless ubernerd......but then again, probably not.

I think the legendary Pablo "More Ska, Less Jah" Herrera turned me on to this, so be sure to thank him next time you migrate through northern California.......

You can catch a trailer for Rare Birds at: http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3422421785/

Nerdily,

Steve