This Jizz Fest Is Full of Jizz Bandits

Mew Gulls have a good, distinct jizz; smaller and more delicate than Ring-billed Gulls, but lacking the unique flight style of the somewhat similar but even smaller Black-legged Kittiwake. Photographed at Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, CA.

Jizz. It's a word you know, but there are two very different definitions.

In birder lexicon, jizz can be defined as "the overall impression of a bird's appearance and/or behavior". It is most often used when you get poor looks at an interesting bird, or if you're seeing a species or plumage you're not very familiar with. I'll put up some photos with examples. Birders are so fascinated by jizz (hehe) that there is even a whole paper on it, which is a good read if you are a nerd. It's very funny to hear birders describe what jizz is to less experienced people, because I'm never quite sure if anyone (the jizz-teacher or the jizz-student) is aware of the other, much more prevalent definition, which is:

Semen. Ejaculate. Sperm. You know what I mean. I think I first learned about this kind of jizz when I was in 6th grade, and it is still certainly in use. Pretty much everyone I know understands and accepts this definition...I don't think I've ever heard a nonbirder ask something like "what does being hosed down with jizz mean?".

Rufous-winged Sparrow? No, no, no, the jizz is all wrong! (Rufous-crowned Sparrow, Old Mission Dam, San Diego, CA.).

Call me immature (you would be right to do so), but I cannot help but smirk whenever someone goes on some very serious rant about bird jizz. I'm sorry, it's hilarious. The people who do this fall into one of two categories:

A) They are so old they don't know the common (dare I say, "nominate"), well-established slang definition. Odd, but there's definitely nothing wrong with this.

B) They are pretending they don't know the alternative meaning of this word, which is just awkward.

It is far worse to fall into the second category. Who are you kidding?

Birder 1: "I think I've got a merganser out here....I think it's a Common."
Birder 2: "I don't know, I'm getting Red-breasted jizz off it....shaggy crest, dark breast...totes Red-breasted. You are an idiot, Birder 1."

I just can't take the word seriously, and its less offensive counterparts "giss" or "gist" are just obviously derivative of what people really want to be saying. My solution?

I just don't use the word very much, obviously...well, at least when I am birding. I crack up just thinking about it. So instead of saying "that flyby warbler from earlier had Connecticut jizz", I would say "that warbler that flew by earlier could have been a Connecticut". See how easy that is?

Phalaropes have a special brand of jizz...small but not tiny, straight bill, overall medium length, somewhat short-legged and stocky.

I am by NO MEANS suggesting that birders stop using the word. I love both toilet slang and nerd slang equally. I just wanted to be sure to set the record straight. So next time you hear someone say "Damn, I'm totally getting redshank jizz right now", it's ok to chuckle.