Sunday, May 4, 2014

On Birders and Squirting

If this Warbling Vireo sees you, it will then commence to seize you. Once you are seized, you will find yourself squirting, much to the delight of the dominant vireo. Photographed at South Padre Island, TX.

Birders are an oblivious bunch. It is known. There is no other explanation for why birding is saturated with so many jizz aficionados. Most people do not think of a birdwatcher when they think of someone who is really enthusiastic about jizz...but many birders will tell you, in total seriousness, that they think jizz is extremely important. Perhaps even underrated.

But I digress. Jizz is we are going to talk about squirting. There has always been a lot of interest in one particular squirter, the Warbling Vireo. Of course, the Warbling Vireo doesn't squirt much of anything that any other vireo isn't capable of squirting, but the difference is that birders seem to think Warbling Vireos actually have a song about it.

You read that correctly. Some birders actually go around thinking that the song of the Warbling Vireo (eastern populations) sounds like,"If I sees you, I will seize you, and I'll squeeze you 'til you squirt!".

Excuse me? Can this bird song be construed to be anything more overtly sexual? Some birders know how ridiculous this sounds (thankfully), but I fear the wretched masses do not. Come on! This is hilarious! Squirting! Squirting is funny! For several reasons! Squeezing and seizing things! And what is this "If I sees you" business? That's pirate speak! Why is that there?

If you still don't understand how crazy this phrase is, let me suggest something. Walk up to some strangers on the street and use this seizing/squirting line...preferably at night, in a dimly lit area. Say it slowly and clearly. Enunciate. The real world will come crashing down on you very quickly.

It's mysterious to me why a nonsensical mnemonic like this can be wholeheartedly embraced. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised...we are talking about birders here. Several people have said it is an old saying, which could help explain why it exists in the first place, but not why it is perpetuated to this day. Maybe part of the reason its still around is that people with a sense of humor try to pass it on, with a straight face, to those who don't know any better. But I feel that is putting too much faith in birders.

I should point out that several of my sources have suggested that it is actually Matt Brady of the Bayou who deserves credit for the phrase. I would not put it past him...he is a crude man. I want you all to know that the many interns at BB&B will not rest until they find the person who gave the Warbling Vireo it's sexy song, and many people may be seized and squeezed on the path to enlightenment. In the end, will the truth be revealed? Yes. Will there be justice? Yes. Will there be squirting?

No. Not at all.


  1. You just can't keep your hands clean of these jizz and squirting master debates.

    That mneumonic just seems inappropriate on its face for our boring southwestern Warbling Vireos. At least, in my experiences, they have never such solicited me.
    Throwing in your tale about the very friendly fellow by the Swainson's Hawk, maybe everything is just more raunchy on the Gulf Coast.

  2. I am going to bust that out on my next elevator ride with a stranger. Unless it's a kid. Yes.

  3. It's a corruption of the original, "Chase me; if you catch me; you can squeeze me 'til I SQUEAK." Dates from before Matt Brady was born.