Wednesday, October 28, 2009



I am an Osprey. My name is Oswald. Oswald the Osprey. 99.9% of you humans wouldnt know by looking at my cloaca (aka my Osprey junk), but I am a male. A fucking awesome, super male Osprey. Yeah.

You know what else is awesome? Fish. Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, amphibians, fish. I think about fish a lot. I would like to think that they think about me. How could they not? Millions of years of evolutionary forces have crafted me into this sleek, powerful, fish-killing machine. I am a strict pescatarian. If I could, I would eat nothing but fish. Fish, fish, Sometimes I'll take a frog though. It's just too easy.

Yeah. You see these talons? Pretty badass, huh? You don't want to fuck with these babies....and youre not even a fish! I have fucking barbs on my feet to help me hold the fish that I catch. That's how good I am. I am fully kitted out to kill fish. Fish. Imagine having barbs on your feet. It would be like having skin-cleats. I totally rock skin-cleats.

My toes are fucking reversible.

I have binocular vision, you know. I can a read a fucking newspaper from a mile away. Hi-def, true color, all that. Not joking, sorry. I can dive 100 feet out of the sky to kill something in the water, and can do 80 mph when I want. You people try doing 80. Really. Do it. Because you will die. I do not die. I........I fish. It's all about the skin cleats.

So when you think about it.....I am better than you. Yeah. Look at what you people do. War. Walmart. Warts. World of Warcraft. Childhood obesity. That's really impressive. Do you know what the recorded migration record for an Osprey is? 7800 fucking miles. What is your migration record? Limping across the street from an Arby's to a Burger King? Come to think of it.......there are a lot of things better than you out there. Fish come to mind. what's up with fish? Seen any lately?

Fish! Even though us Ospreys are way, way better than you people, we get along pretty well. If you're reading this, you've probably seen one of us at some point in your lives. Being Ospreys, we're pretty successful. We're probably holding down your local lake as you read this. We are found on every continent except Antactica, and can generally be found wherever there is a lot of fish. Er, water. Yeah. You tried killing us with DDT a while ago and it almost worked, thanks a lot for that. Really appreciate it. That's science for you. You almost wiped out Bald Eagles too, which would have been awesome!

You see, we hate Bald Eagles. They are fat, disgusting, lazy, arrogant bastards. They steal our fish! Our hard-earned, hard-loved fish! Fish! The worst part is that they are perfectly capable of catching their own fish, but since we get all the good ones they chase us around, beat us up, and generally have their way with us. We can gang up on them sometimes but if its one on one its usually the eagle that wins. Assholes. We would have been a much better national icon, I think.

But who cares about them? We are strong. They were endangered. How embarrassing is that? I can see underwater. My nostrils are collapsible. Them eagles don't have shit on me.

1 comment:

  1. I have a new appreciation for Osprey. Fuck you Bald Eagles!