Birding And Butthurt: Til Death Do Us Part

This is a Great Frigatebird. It knows not of the insignificant trials and tribulations that plague the average birder. We should view it with not only awe, but envy. Photographed at Midway Atoll.

Butthurt. We all know what this means, and if we don't, let me help you. It's a frustrating, immature and stupid thing to experience, and a frustrating, immature and stupid thing to be exposed to. I've experienced the 'hurt in all manner of social situations, and if you are one of the lucky birders who actually gets to experience a social situation occasionally, you certainly have too. It can be a funny thing to watch, usually when the butthurt is not directed at you though.

What has always amazed me is how prevalent butthurt is among birders. Birders can be so goddamn sensitive and entitled...it's a horrible combination. The apparent lack of emotional maturity displayed by all ages is staggering. And hey, I'll be the first one to admit that I am no exception. Yes, I too, your #7 U.S. birder, have descended into a dismal and embarrassing state of butthurt...but these days it doesn't happen very often. They say that time heals all wounds, but it is wisdom that heals all butthurt. Like the frigatebird rides the thermals to soar majestically high above the chaos of terrestrial life, I have elevated myself above the nerdy and chronically butthurt masses...and let me tell you, it's not very crowded up here.

Today, as a gut check for the birding community, I offer you the top 25* ways that birders get butthurt. Enjoy, or get really, um...sore about it. Your call.

1. When an eBird reviewer questions your observation
2. When anyone questions your observation
3. When someone surpasses your personal list for a select region
4. When someone surpasses your personal year list record for a select region
5. When other birders suppress information about a rarity
6. When a beginner/photographer is advised to buy a field guide
7. When you miss seeing a bird on a pelagic trip
8. When someone flushes a rarity that you are watching (this is highly forgivable though)
9. When Birder X finds out Birder Y is appointed as a leader on a pelagic trip and Birder X thinks they are the better birder and should be a leader instead
10. When the Bird Police reject a record you submitted
11. When everyone thinks a rare bird is escaped/ship assisted and you don't
12. When you are looking at a bird and someone gets in your way
13. When you are photographing a bird and someone gets in your way
14. When you bait a raptor and people get pissed at you
15. When you want to get in and bird a place but they are not open yet
16. When you don't get enough attention on a guided trip
17. When birders complain about using playback and you use it all the time
18. When experienced birders discuss problems with birding/birders and you think they are being elitist
19. When everyone is using eBird, you don't and you feel left out and confused
20. When someone has a rare bird in their yard and they won't let you see it
21. When someone spots a rare bird before you do
22. When you are debating something about birding with someone who uses science to back their views and you know nothing about science
23. When you are leading a trip and someone apparently better at bird ID than you disagrees with your identification of a particular bird
24. When you come across birders who surprisingly seem to be integrated in to the rest of society
25. When someone you don't know on the internet proudly proclaims that he is the #7 U.S. birder, and you suspect your Global Birder Ranking System rank is considerably lower

Of course, there are hundreds of other ways birders can get butthurt! Feel free to add to the list in the comments. Remember, next time you feel your blood boiling over some petty bullshit, chill the fuck back. No one cares. Drink a beer or three, and come ride the mellow thermals with me and the frigatebirds.

Yours truly,

Seagull Steve
#7 U.S. Birder

* = This isn't in order, so don't let that bother you. Everything is going to be ok.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: A Major Leak From the Global Birder Ranking System (Rise and Measure the Temple of the Five)

What does Final Five material know about Swainson's Thrush? Everything. Dry Tortugas National Park, FL.

BREAKING NEWS. Being the Number 7 birder in the United States, I am constantly besieged with questions about the Global Birder Ranking System (GBRS) that assigned me this lofty position in the first place. As I have mentioned before, GBRS is very secretive, and those of us considered to be Birding Giants are typically under various gag orders...we are able to acknowledge the existence of GBRS, but giving out details is not something we are typically free to do.

Until now. I recently received this memo (something I am normally not privy to) from an Anonymous Source about the current guidelines of potential inclusion into the vaunted Final Five; the top 5 birders in the country. Although I put my ranking and reputation at great risk by releasing this information to you all, hopefully it will put an end to the one of the questions I get the most...how do you get into the highest circle of the greatest birders in the United States?

Below is the complete memo, almost entirely intact, brought to you by none other than The Human Birdwatcher Project ("Birders are people too!"). Please do not ask me to explain the quote at the bottom...certain things are better left unsaid.

Subject: Memo: Standards and Practices for the Recertification and Inclusion of New Members of the Final Five
From: The Global Birder Ranking System (High Cabal)
To: The Global Birder Ranking System ( Class Bravo Birderer Technicians)

Hello GBRS staff, we hope this memo finds you well. With the discovery of mega-crippler Rufous-necked Wood-Rail (which earned Mr. Daw an outstanding 84 points!), many of you newer staff have been wondering how discoveries like this (or lack thereof) can affect the standings of The Final Five. The Final Five, of course, have all been there for several years now, with 4th and 5th place birders switching places several times as a result of certain eyebrow-raising gull misidentifications and a brief but bizarre public meltdown of Number 4 while chasing a Pink-footed Goose last winter. This outburst has since been attributed by the GBRS Ranking Audits Division (GBRS-RAD) to the observer's marathon of whisky consumption, brought on by a particularly nasty dip from the day before. GBRS-RAD recently determined this was an act of desperation, rather than deeply-ingrained personality flaws manifesting themselves (see March 2012 memo "Recurring Traits Found in GBRS Low-Ranked American Birders"). 

The GBRS High Cabal wants to reassure you junior staff that the regulations for eligibility of The Final Five have remained much as they have been since the January 2011 memo. As a refresher, here are the current requirements for inclusion in the Final Five.

Most birders could not tell you how to identify an immature Great Frigatebird, which is showing off its characteristic ruddy head and pink feet. The Final Five would know this bird instantly, with no need for field guides. Photographed at Midway Atoll.

1. Identification Skills. It goes without saying that the most important factor in ranking of the Final Five are a birder's identification skills. The Final Five must be leaders in the most challenging aspects of North American bird identification, particularly groups such as gulls, tubenoses, female hummingbirds, flycatchers, etc. Intimate knowledge of Mexican, Central American, Siberian, Caribbean and European species that have or could occur in the United States is expected as well.

The Final Five are constantly on the lookout for unexpected birds, no matter the chances against them. Gray-backed Tern (this one from Midway Atoll) may someday reward southern Californian birders who put in time sorting through summer tern flocks.

2. Birds Found. The quickest way a birder can increase their standing in GBRS is not to chase rare birds, but to find them. For example, points earned for documenting a Ross's Gull can (at least temporarily) completely offset a birder's consistent inability to differentiate Red-necked and Little Stint at 500 yards. Of course finding a national mega carries the most weight, but everything from state records to documenting localized breeding for the first time can cumulatively bear heavily on a Final Five contender's GBRS score.

A birder could have Grasshopper Sparrow for every county in their state, and that would not propel them into the Final Five. Medicine Lake National Wildlife Refuge, MT.

3. Lists. The classified formula of calculating a birder's lists and integrating them into their GBRS score remains the same. It is important to stress the fact that impressive list totals often are not found in conjunction with the other attributes listed in this document.

Anyone in the Final Five knows that despite it being an exotic waterfowl species, there has been no suspected case of escapee Tufted Ducks in California for years. Lake Merritt, Oakland, CA.

4. Vagrants and Escapees. The Final Five must have a firm grip on knowing the provenance of birds whose origins are questionable. Neither cage bird conspiracy theorists nor blatantly biased stringers will be eligible for upgrading to The Final Five. Those who have been on the right side of history in cases like this (which may or may not be in accordance to various state committee decisions) will be rewarded appropriately.

In terms of molt and plumage, the appearance of this Mississippi Kite would be challenging to describe for many birders. Not so, for the Final Five. Dairy Mart Ponds, Tijuana River Valley, CA.

5. Molt. Simply, complete memorization of the contents of the Pyle books is expected; additional knowledge and insight is preferred. It should go without saying that bird topography must be known like the back of one's hand. The benefits of molt mastery are many and need not be explained here.

Top-ranked birders have been gossiping about the potential split between Western and Eastern Willets for years. A thorough, respectable genetic study would probably seal the deal; Final Five candidates would know what types of studies would be acceptable in this particular case. "Western" Willet, Marina Park, Ventura, CA.

6. Genetics. The field of genetic studies of birds resulting in splitting and lumping species is fluid and constantly undergoing change. It is paramount that the Final Five know both the current and obsolete methods used in avian genetic studies, the history of these tools, and splits and lumps that may occur going forward.

All current Final Five birders are intimately familiar with the flight call of Blackburnian Warbler. Some inexperience with flight calls of rare and range-restricted species (i.e. Kirtland's Warbler, Colima Warbler) is acceptable for future Final Five candidates. Dry Tortugas National Park, FL.

7. Flight Calls. Vocalizations are a basic, crucial part of various identifications and need not be discussed here. However, flight calls of passerines are known to a small minority of birders and can provide conclusive identification of unseen flyover birds. Western birders in particular suffer from a lack of knowledge in this field, due to differences in species communities and the nature of migration in western states. Future nominees for the Final Five from western states are expected to overcome this regional handicap.

While the laybirder may suggest that the crest of Crested Auklet may simply be a function of breeding plumage, the Final Fiver will know that a study has shown that they serve an important function in feeling their way around the dimly-lit rock crevices where they nest. Buldir Island, AK.

8. Science. The Final Five need not hold degrees in a scientific field, although it is helpful. However, a solid understanding of science and it's framework of critical thinking is necessary. There is no room in The Final Five for theoretical ornithologists, who put forth theories on bird behavior, movements, appearance, and biology based on complete speculation and guesswork.

A member of the Final Five is expected to exude a wealth of knowledge pertaining to all North American birds. In a recent test by GBRS-RAD, GBRS birders ranked 1-5 all correctly answered that the set gillnet fishery for Kodiak Island, AK, had an estimated bycatch of 28 Red-faced Cormorants in 2002. Buldir Island, AK. 

9. Knowledge. Encyclopedic knowledge of birdlife is expected in The Final Five. This includes, but is not limited to, status and distribution of birds down to very fine temporal and spatial scales, repertoire of vocalizations, variations of specific plumages and morphology, behavior, conservation issues, and known connections to ecosystems. Knowledge is power, and one cannot become a power-birder without it.

This bucolic scene features birders displaying exemplary conduct. They demonstrate a youthful vigor, ostensible camaraderie, potential solidarity, a healthy interest in something other than birds, and excellent calves.

10. Conduct. A birder is a birder both in the field and after the binoculars come off.  The Final Five are expected to have social skills far and above those of the average birder, or to be explicitly clear, the social skills one would expect from the average nonbirder. Expected conduct does not compel the Final Five to be mild-mannered or inoffensive, but the following habits and traits are strongly desired: Not embarrassing themselves in online forums/Facebook groups/listservs; keeping an even temper; comprehension of basic social cues (i.e. the ability to detect and dispense sarcasm, making a joke that other people can understand, etc); lacking prejudices against large swaths of the population (i.e. men, women, Asians, beginning birders etc.); not pronouncing bird names in bizarre, completely unconventional ways; not being overly serious, petty, or passive-aggressive. A mild amount of awkwardness is acceptable for members of the Final Five, however the stifling awkwardness abundant in the birding community generally prevents birders from advancing beyond Birder #85 or so.

With the number of skilled but socially isolated, hermit-like birders in the United States whose conduct is poorly understood, GBRS is considering the creation of a supplemental list to track and rate hermit birders. A decision on the creation of this new ranking subset is expected in the coming months. 

Moving forward, we continue to cast a wary eye on the incursion of photographers into the birding community and the increasingly gray area between birders and photographers, which some worry may potentially complicate GBRS scoring. At this point in time we will stay the course and not score those who have not admitted to being a birder, in public or otherwise.

The annual GBRS 4th of July BBQ in Bridgeport, CA, was a great success! Congratulations to Birder #38, who won the chili cook-off.

The shorebirds are moving south friends, and as their numbers swell, so too will your GBRS score. Good birding everyone, and as always...

"Limiting diffusions to two dimensions increases the number of evolutionary jumps within the species. Rise and measure the Temple of the Five. Transformation is the goal. They will not harm their own."

Please destroy this document after reading. Thank you! - GBRS High Cabal

News From Midway

Sad news today...U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist Pete Leary, who blogs from Midway Atoll, has reported the demise of the volunteer program due to budget cuts for the refuge. Not only does this mean that Midway will be far less accessible to anyone looking to do field work there, it means it will be considerably more difficult to get things done at all, from Laysan Duck suveys to albatross banding to pulling invasive weeds. The volunteers carry out the bulk of Fish and Wildlife's biological field work out there...at least Pete will now have a lot more time out of the office.

I found myself spending a good chunk of 2009, as a volunteer, way out there in the Pacific. To say it was an epic experience would be a profound understatement. The islands are filled with great birds, like the celebrity pair of Short-tailed Albatross that have fledged chicks the last two years on Eastern Island. Hopefully funding will be reinstated soon...or else it will be much more difficult to plot my prophecied return!

Sooty Terns swarm over Eastern Island in spring and summer.

A juvenile Great Frigatebird surveys its facemelting domain.

A Hawaiian Monk Seal and Brown Noddies.

White Tern chick in back of the "duck house".

Grey-backed Terns look immaculate.

Life is good with Red-tailed Tropicbirds overhead (and underfoot).

Good ol' Rusty Bucket.

A Black-footed  X Laysan Albatross hybrid tries unsucessfully to flirt with some Laysan Albatrosses, while a Laysan chicks looks on in it's Chewbaccaesque plumage.

The front of the "float" that a Safely Anonymous Person and myself made for the Songkran (Thai New Year) parade. It was an amazing float.

The Human Birdwatcher Project Presents: The Global Birding Ranking System

Seeing Gray-crowned Rosy-Finches earns you a number of points in The Global Birding Ranking System. Seeing the Aleutian griseonucha subspecies earns you even more, due to the population's remoteness and limited range. Having even previously heard of this subspecies can earn you even more points. Photographed at Buldir Island, AK.

Today I wish to speak to you about The Global Birding Ranking System, or GBRS. I have lately been besieged with requests for information about my glowing status as Number 7 Birder In The Nation, and I would like to provide a little bit of clarity about how it all works.

For one, every single birder (not birdwatcher) does actually have a rank. If you are reading this, it is more than likely that we have your stats available. We see everything....I assure you, you are closely monitored.

If you did not suspect this was a Herring Gull, you are scraping the bottom of GBRS. Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, CA.

The origins of GBRS are a closely-guarded secret. We can only disclose that it has its roots deep within a vain and mysterious man who calls himself "Handsome Dan", a legend in his own mind. Dan does seem to leak more information about GBRS than anyone else however, as he recently has here. GBRS has, in fact, been operating for a number of years now, and only now has anyone been authorized to confirm its existence.

The statistics used to actually determine birder ranking are incredibly complicated...the formulas were actually cooked up by a team of astrophysicists, football analysts and trainspotters. Factors we look at include the ratio of rare birds you find vs. chase, total life list, identification skills, predicting the arrival of rarities, scientific contributions (eBirding does not count for much), your abilities to identify birds in alien and unfamiliar places, and the number of birdwatchers you have made sweet, sweet love to. As everyone knows, if you copulate with a birder, you gain some of their powers.

There are also many things that can count against you....say, how douchey you are, how selfish you are about sharing knowledge of rare birds, the intensity of bird disturbance you cause (hello photographers), how many baseless theories you have to explain bird behavior, and of course the numbers of birds you have misidentified. Stringers beware...

Casually pointing out a Brewer's Duck (that's a Mallard X Gadwall hybrid, for those lower on the scale) is something that only the top 25% of birders can do. Radio Road, Redwood Shores, CA.

Some common questions we hear include...who exactly collects these statistics anyway? Who is out watching the birders? Who can tell if they've been bad or good? Who is the proverbial Santa Claus of birding?

We cannot answer these questions. If it were to be disclosed, the bribery these people would endure from greedy birders would be overwhelming. Being Number 1 in the nation brings immense wealth and fame (not to mention the drugs and sex), and elevates the birder to true celebrity status. Even if you are only at the top of the heap for a few months, things will never be the same. The honor of having the highest Big Year total pales in comparison to being Number 1 on GBRS. So, as you can see, these people must remain safely anonymous, as do their covert and highly classified methods for data collection.

Aging and sexing Great Frigatebirds is a worthy challenge for those wishing to raise their GBRS rating. Photographed at Midway Atoll.

Of course, everyone is frothing at the mouth, waiting to find out where they stand on the ranking scale. The fact of the matter is that only the Top Ten in the nation are aware of where they stand, and only the Final Five have access to the Global Birding Ranking System Mainframe....at least for now. With great power comes great responsibility....the birding world is ridden with enough hubris as it is.

I hope you found all of this helpful. May you all strive for the almighty Higher Ranking.

For 364 Days I'm In Hell: Happy Birthday To BB&B!!!

I was channeling how this Red-legged Kittiwake felt about me. Buldir Island, AK, 2009.

Well, well, well. So here we are. Bourbon, Bastards and Birds turns 3 years old today. Who thought that the Great Ornithologist Felonious Jive and I would still be migrating through the internets to a computer near you after all these years? Surely, not I.

Since this is a blogiverssary, lets take a look back at some of Seagull and Felonious' game-changing accomplishments over the years.

....

Well, that was pretty easy. But hopefully we educated or entertained a few people...so thanks for visiting BB&B, the infamous slum of the Birdosphere. The next post will be a Human Birdwatcher Project interview with the notorious Coco...be sure to catch it. After he speaks, birding may never be the same.

Here are a few photos I took since this blog has been started....I even included a "pre-SLR" shot! Yes, those were the dark ages indeed...these aren't meant to be truly representative of what I've done, more like an avian sample platter. Delish.

Massive storm-petrel raft, around 14,000 total. Mostly Ashy and Black Storm-Petrels. Monterey Bay, CA, 2008. Before I had an SLR (how embarrassing).

Red-tailed Tropicbird. Midway Atoll, 2009.

Great Frigatebirds. Midway Atoll, 2009.

Plant vs. wind energy. Near Casselman, PA, 2009.

Wood Stork. Sanibel Island, FL, 2009.

Anhinga. Wakulla Springs State Park, FL, 2009.

"Pink-sided" Dark-eyed Junco. Florida Canyon, AZ, 2010.

Broad-tailed Hummingbird. Miller Canyon, AZ, 2010.

Crested Auklet. Buldir Island, AK, 2010.

Lapland Longspur. Buldir Island, AK, 2010.

Heerman's and Western Gulls. San Francisco Bay, CA, 2010? Sure.

Least Bittern. Martinez, CA, 2011.

Gray Flycatcher. Mono Lake, CA, 2011.

Blue-gray Tanager. Chavarillo, Mexico, 2011.

Broad-winged and Swainson's Hawks. Chavarrillo, Mexico, 2011.

Eastern Kingbird. Lostwood National Wildlife Refuge, ND, 2011.

Black Tern. Lostwood National Wildlife Refuge, ND, 2011.

In Desolation

A Brown Booby does its best dinosaur impression.

Ah, Midway Atoll. Out of the many, many places I've been on birding trips and field jobs, this is one of the best. Between the birds, the scenery, the isolation, the history and last but not least, the people there, it is hard to beat. Of course, the soft serve machine is sweet too...anyways, two years after my visit now I still have tons of (hella) photos that I like that I haven't been able to throw up on BB&B...so in the spirit of sharing, here you go!

Grey-backed Terns don't get much attention compared to Midways other seabirds, but they're one of my favorites. Classiest birds of the central Pacific!

This Laysan Albatross loved the rain. It looks like it's about to burst into tears...ALBATEARS.

White Terns ponder Liz, and vice versa.

Red-footed Booby. Look at it. LOOK AT IT. 

Rusty Bucket. One of the most scenic places to get Tetanus that I can think of...

Going to Midway is a fantastic, unique experience, particularly if you've never been to any of the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands before (which is almost all of you). My first few hours there I can remember vividly as one of the most surreal times of my life (WHAT A NERD). The sheer numbers and cacophony of the Laysan Albatross and Bulwer's Petrels at night is unlike anything I've experienced before or since...just thinking about it brings Albatears of joy to my eyes. ALBATEARS OF JOY. On top of that, I went to a bar in the middle of all this, which is simply ridiculous. Anyways...if you ever have the opportunity to get out there as a volunteer, with a tour, for work or some other capacity, you owe it to yourself to do so. 

Pete Leary, Midway's current biologist with the infamous dry sense of humor, has a great blog that you can see here. Check in to see how things are going with the Short-tailed Albatross chick and other seabirds that survived the tsunami from earlier this winter.

Despite their ruthless reputations, frigatebirds are doting and diligent when it comes to the domestic life. Males spend a lot of time on the nest and can often be seen fussing with various twigs...one has to look good for the neighbors, I guess.